This has been a long ass week for me, tough because of work and personal reasons and I’m still a bit sick and I’m just ready for it to be over. I talked to my roommate and we understand each other better and so that’s good but I have had so many different emotions the past week, for sure my period is coming.
I haven’t been sleeping enough, I’ve been going out too much, I haven’t cared about work, I have just wanted what made me happy in that moment, regardless of consequences. It’s a phase, I’m sure, I won’t always be like this but I have felt really alone this week. I have hung out with some friends and that’s been good for me but I had been hanging with Chick A+ a lot and to suddenly have that closeness gone has been difficult. It’s funny, because she and I just sort of wanted it to be “friends with benefits” and it’s probably still in that general category but definitely feelings (wide-ranging, not just obvious ones) have come into play. It’s been really good for me to be able to hang out with her, have a good time, have a partner-in-crime so to speak, and someone to wake up with, go out to dinner with, just spend time with. The thing is, that’s what I was looking for after Assiyeah broke up with me but I didn’t expect it to be with such a special person. I’m sure Chick A+ and I are sort of meant to just be friends in the big scheme of things but she is a pretty amazing chick and I’m lucky that the first person I “date” after Assiyeah is her. I kind of thought I’d just have someone to hang out with, didn’t really care who as long as she wasn’t a bitch and was fun and I got a shitload more than that with Chick A+. But at the same time that’s what has made this past week so difficult. I’ve gotten close to her, she’s not my girlfriend and neither of us want that but I think she really needed someone to hang with and I needed the same and we just weren’t bargaining for this experience. It’s helped me immeasurably the past 6 weeks but I can see that it was also putting off other emotions that still need to dealt with. Yes, I’m doing fine but also I’m not. I’m alone, far from home, making lesson plans for courses I don’t care about so much and all I kind of want to do is lie in bed and relax because I’m not feeling well but it’s so much nicer to have someone to hang out with while lying in bed and not just someone but Chick A+. We seem to understand each other on a level that I was planning on getting to for quite some time. That’s what has made it difficult because I didn’t expect to get so close to someone, especially someone who is moving away in some months. But anyway, as Britney Spears said when asked why she was driving with her kid in th driver seat with her without a seatbelt, “it just is what it is, I guess.” Indeed…
Summer is most definitely over here. I’m still under the weather, I have been in my head a lot lately and I haven’t really enjoyed it per se. Hell, I met up with the drummer from the reggae band who is playing at the Groovement Festival at Swamp last night and I already had tears in my eyes because my roommates were going to Assiyeah’s housewarming party and of course not only was I not invited but I didn’t want to go. It just hits home when things that like that happen and I see just how different my life is. I mean, if Assiyeah were still here, I actually wouldn’t be doing much differently but it just felt reassuring to have that person in my life, while she’s on the bed reading stuff for class, and I’m organizing stuff for that week’s work, maybe we don’t even talk that much but at any moment I could go over and kiss her. I think she felt like we didn’t kiss enough and I totally agreed with her. I guess she was hoping that I would change things about our relationship without me knowing what they were. I’m never gonna win that one so it makes it a bit easier to get over in that respect. But still, I need to spend this time a bit more reflectively and introspectively but really I just wanna have a good time and try not to think about it. I know it’s not healthy but I’m just trying to get by. Isn’t that what a lot of us are doing, just trying to get by? I know I’m doing better than that compared to most people but I have definitely felt lonely this week, far from home and somehow not part of the whole swing of things here. I’m floating baby but it’s a damn good float.
I have organized my room to about 80% percent finished. I still don’t know where I’m going to put the mirror, my desk is still a mess and I can never finish cleaning it, maybe because then I’ll feel like I have nothing to do so I’m always leaving it somewhat unfinished.
I don’t really want to change anything about my life besides some obvious stuff, like losing a bit of weight (15 pounds tops), and who knows what else. I like so much going on in my life but I know that I want to share it with someone. I talked to my roommate about that today, that at least I know that I am alone now but don’t want to be alone. I want to share the triumphs of my life with someone. There is so much promise in the normalcy of my life. I mean, what more do I really want of my life? I have plenty of work, I’m progressing slowly but surely with my art, I have lots of trips planned, there are concerts to see, I’m in my favorite place on earth and it’s full of college-age chicks. What more could I seriously want? And the answer is easy: someone I can share my life with. Don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t have to happen right now, and there is still some serious fun to be had in the next months but I just can’t think that I’m not worth having, that somehow I don’t have what it takes to attract a woman to me who can fall in love with me. I have lots of love left to give, it’s slightly tainted now and manifests itself in being needy, clingy and irrationally jealous but that shit will subside with time. Don’t get me wrong, I’m just letting you hear my train of thought. It’s not as bad when you hang out with me because this shit is all inside, ya know?
So, like the title of the post, finally it’s Sunday. This was a rough week for me and I’m glad that it’s finally over. Next week is a new week. New classes start (8 to be exact) and I have a 3-day weekend and then I only have to work Monday-Wednesday the week after before going to Amsterdam for 4-5 days and then I come back on the same day as Chick A+ and if the gods have been thinking about me at all, they’ll let the two of us hang out that night. I’m still not sure which god to pray too so I’ve kind of been covering all my bases by neglecting all of them. I hope they understand. God, you know which god I’m referring to, right?