July 31, 2007

Assiyeah gave my roommate a letter to give it to me to read when my trip today began. Naturally I had to read it immediately. It contained very few clues actually, just the following:

1)We’d grown apart.
2)She loved me more like a friend now.
3)She didn’t break up with me for the guy.

It took her five pages to boil it down to that. I couldn’t sleep tonight because I was just thinking that that was it, that was her final attempt to explain why she allowed our love to die and end a five-year relationship without talking to me or anyone about it. Super.

So I got up at 4am and wrote her a letter back. I’m not sure what it’s going to prove but it just so she could see that I could have handled that shit face to face months ago. She said, thanks for not getting mad, when she told me that something had been going on with that other guy for awhile and I wrote her and said you could have told me that on my birthday and that’s how I would have reacted. I know that shit happens and people do stupid stuff but her being honest on that day back in May might have been the best birthday present she could have given me even though it would have been painful. I was willing to make the relationship work. I told her we had two different relationships from our parents to use as examples. Hers, which were married/together many years and when it got dull her father found another woman and is living that life now and you have mine, who have been married 35 years and I’m sure it hasn’t always been easy but they’ve tried.

Assiyeah and I never “tried” at our relationship. We just let it cruise along and for awhile I thought that was one of the best parts of it. When one of those two people began thinking that it’s not working as well as it could have or the feelings change, well that’s the one Achilles’ heel to the relationship. Her letter didn’t actually help clear anything up. It just made me feel more frustrated that these two, very normal things could have been worked on together and made into an even better relationship. As it is now, who knows? I am off to the States for the first time in almost 7 months. This is the beginning of a busy next 10 weeks, I’m curious to see how it will all go down. Please god, please, put some nice, relatively easy women in my way as I scuttle around the States for a month!

I gotta shower, it’s going to be 23 hours of travel and I don’t wanna be that guy who stinks on the plane…


The last full day for 4 weeks

July 30, 2007

So, my last full day in Germany for over a month began around 7.48am and was cemented by 8.02am when some dudes started jackhammering then. I was jogging by 9am and in the city by 10.30am. I dropped off one invoice worth 1000 dollars and another worth 100 dollars. I cut my photos so they could fit the holder I bought for them, had lunch with a friend and then went to Jos Fritz to let them know that someone is coming by to pick up the photos this week. Someone who works there bought two of them and I gave them a super sweet price but it was 70 bucks I wasn’t planning on having so that’s good. I used that money to buy my train ticket for 6.52am tomorrow to the Frankfurt airport. Then I went home.

I chilled for awhile but just didn’t feel right. I think I have somehow been under the weather a few days, was jogging in the chilly and sunny weather this morning and been sweating quite a bit today. I napped for about an hour or more, relaxed some and then went across town to pick up a nightstand from a student. One less thing to buy, right? Of course there was construction going on and so I had to walk the relatively awkward and heavy nightstand for 5 full minutes up a hill to get to the next tram stop and then when we got to my stop another 3 minutes and then up 4 flights of stairs and that had me sweating plenty good. I’m going out for dinner and drinks in a little bit and hopefully to be in bed by 11.30 because I’m getting up at 5.30am tomorrow.

I saw Assiyeah and two of her cousins today walking in the city as I was going to get the nightstand. It felt like I was dead watching her live her life without me, it was very surreal. I promise in September I’ll have better things to talk about, I hope.

Party lion

July 29, 2007

So you know in English we saw “party animal” but in German they are much more specific. You are a party lion. That was me the past two nights. Let’s talk about last night…

I went to dinner at Walfisch with a friend who also had just broken up with his girlfriend. I had what might be my last Schniposa for a month and I know the cook there and he hooked it up big time. We had a couple of beers and then a Jaegermeister and then we went over to Swamp where the Belgian band The Dump Brothers were playing. That was the band I saw at Augustiner Square on Friday night and it was cool to hang out with them again, have some drinks, catch a buzz and then they started playing and it was perfect. It was exactly what I wanted, what I needed. I danced my ass off for about 90 minutes to every single song and it made me think how ironic life is. I didn’t go out dancing with Assiyeah that often, it wasn’t really my scene but actually I really like dancing, but preferably to live music for example and she enjoys DJ music. The band had a great groove and I drank my beers, met some nice people and found myself still standing in the bar at 3.20am buying drinks for people. I paid in Swissfrancs and gave a big tip. I’m not sure if I still owe money there but you may have forgotten but I live in the building where Swamp is. I literally just had to go up the stairs and it was great. I slept until 12.15pm.

Friday out until 4.15am
Saturday out until 3.20am

I guess that’s enough to call me a party lion for now. I feel slow and I’m conflicted because the same band is playing again this afternoon and I don’t know if I can handle it, I wanna chill out all day and pack and organize some shit but we’ll see…

My new life

July 28, 2007

I wasn’t in the mood to go out. I needed to organize some stuff and I also had a private lesson at 11am this morning and Assiyeah was coming over at 12.30pm to go through our things and figure out whose is what. Fun. Anyway…

A teacher called to see if I wanted to get a beer so I said yes. We bought 5 years and then sat in a park and talked about life and sex and politics and we also watched a wino on another park bench across from us, maybe like 30 meters away slumped over and then trying to roll a cigarette and standing and looking like he’s peeing and then slumped over again.

After awhile, my buddy had to go so I walked over to Augustiner Square. This is one of my favorite places in my favorite place on earth. It’s one of the epicenters of my universe and it was my first time going there as a single guy. It felt strange because there I was, sitting alone on the steps with maybe 30 other people, all of them in couples or small groups. Then two guys started playing some live music with an upright bass and a violin and it was actually quite groovy music and I immediately went to sit closer to where they were playing. Then I met a guy from Argentina. And then two guys from Mongolia. We were catching a buzz and having a good time. Then a second band started and they were kick ass. They were 4-5 pieces, with horn, upright bass, guitar, percussion and it was roots rockabilly and an amazing groove. I literally went up and stood right in front of them to catch the vibe while all of the germans were sitting and either listening and enjoying or listening passively or just having their own conversations.

It turns out the second band was from Belgium. They were “brought” here by the drummer of another band I saw a couple of weeks ago on that fateful night when I learned that something in my relationship was horribly wrong. I got to know these guys and it turns out that they are playing in Swamp tonight. You may not know this, but there is a bar called Swamp and I just happen to live above it. So this band that I was totally digging last night is going to play again tonight in the bar at the bottom of my building. I’ll be there with bells on. We made plans to eat dinner at Walfisch together.

I also saw a student of mine, a very attractive girl who most definitely out of my league. Her boyfriend broke up with her a few months ago and I remember giving her some advice which she proceeded to give me last night. It was really nice talking to her and she seemed genuinely interested and sympathetic to my problems.

I also went to O’Kellys and saw an Australian guy I know who is moving to Norway soon. I dragged him to Jos Fritz to see the photos and then I sat with a couple of women, one who is gay and the other who was bi. Finally about 3am it was time to go home but I met other people but then I saw a Spanish girl who also works at O’Kellys and she was with a couple of friends and so we had another drink. They were with a couple of Italian girls, a Portuguese guy and a German girl.

I finaly got home around 4.15am, slept until about 10.15, took a shower, had the private lesson and then Assiyeah was here, it was tough but it’s over and she will leave me some furniture which is nice of her and now I’m alone in the apartment, hungry and in about 5 hours I’m going to be having a good time again.

That was my first Friday night single in 7.5 years. I guess I’m going to be okay.

It’s official!

July 27, 2007

I, your faithful confidant, will have more than 100 days of vacation for the third year in a row!!! First, the new trip that put me over the top…

As you know, I have been listening to Ryan Adams’ new album “Easy Tiger” incessantly lately, so much so I have felt like a teenager listening to the same song over and over again for weeks but it’s a whole album and it’s been 5 days but anyway, while doing a casual search today I see that Ryan Adams will be playing in London on November 16th. I have had this feeling quite a few times in the past 4 years. I immediately went to easyjet and ryanair to find out about prices for tickets. A Thursday to Sunday is usually when it is at its most expensive but it was reasonable. I could have gotten cheaper tickets from ryanair but I would have had to fly from Karlsruhe which is a two-hour bus away, about 50euros, but flying from Basel is so much more convenient but they cost 80euros. I have a job, I thought, convenience for 30euros, and the answer is absolutely so. Then I checked the website where to get the tickets but I wasn’t able to buy them because I didn’t have an English address so I enlisted Maya and she was on the job. One of the best things about her is that once you set her in motion, she is at her best. She may not be the most self-motivated person I know but man, when you need her help, she rolls up her sleeves and 5 minutes later she had tickets for the concert and I had tickets to fly to England for what will be just 6 weeks after going there in early October. It was impulsive and it was what I am best at.

So now the particulars, how the breakdown of more than 100 days of vacation looks like in 2007:

1)Jan 1-5 California (remnants of Xmas vacation) 5
2)Feb 16-Mar 5 Turkey 17
3)Apr 4-15 Berlin/Budapest/Vienna 11
4)May 24-Jun 3 Montenegro 10
5)Jul 31 – Aug 29 OC/SD/NYC/BOS/PHI 29
6)Sep 14-22 Andalusia, Spain 8
7)Oct 3-7 London 4
8)Nov 15-18 London 3
9)Dec 14-29 Southern California 15

That, my friends, is 102 days I will not be in my town because I will be somewhere. 2006 I had 106 days of vacation and 2005 I had 126 days of vacation. How could I possibly leave Germany?

An email I just sent to an old student

July 26, 2007

My girlfriend broke up with me last weekend. I couldn’t fucking believe it. I haven’t been single since February 2000 (5 years and 2.5 years) and am sort of in shock but luckily I had plane tix to go to the states for August, 2 weeks in socal and 2 weeks on the east coast and it’s going to help my soul so much it’s crazy. I wll move back here to freiburg at the end of August and her stuff will be gone from our room, I’m going to buy a bed (I am 33 after all) and try and start my life over in a foreign country where I have no official connection to anymore.

I’m not totally sure I just told you all of that. I think it’s because I’m an open person, I like who I am and think of my life as something that is organic which means it’s not so structured that I have to go through a formal “sadness” from the relationship. Of course I have cried 20 times in the past 4 days and I’m sure there are 100 more in the next month but I am going to be better soon and it’s going to be a completely new life sort of. I loved her and only wanted to make her happy and that’s not what she wanted right now. What can I do?

Anyways, my favorite singer/songwriter Ryan Adams has a new album called Easy Tiger and it is beautiful, haunting and sad music but a lot of is about my exact experience and it reminds me how important music is to me. You should check it out.

You got plans for the summer?

We’ll see what happens

July 25, 2007

**Disclaimer** This post is mushy and awkward and intimate and might turn off some people who only want to hear about my last trip or about me getting drunk in the middle of town on a Friday night. This is my blog and there is unfortunately nothing more important for me to blog about than me trying to get over having my heart broken. Continue at your own peril.
I’m here again because I have to be. I think about 5 people are reading my blog regularly and I have been writing in my journal but it doesn’t seem to be enough. I have gone though so many emotions the past few days and it’s tough walking around Freiburg thinking of all the places we have been together. I had 4 beers last night with Johanna and it was really nice to hang with her. But I need some intimacy. It doesn’t have to be sexual in nature but I need someone to put their arm around me and tell me that they like me, they feel comfortable around me and that I am a good person. I know all of these things, I’m actually convinced that I have one of the best lives of anyone on earth, that is, of the mortals who don’t grace the covers of magazines or hollywood films. I make enough money to live a nice life but in reality it is a small amount of money. That’s the thing. 30,000 US dollars/year and I’m living like it’s 60,000 back home. I eat out when I like, have free time I enjoy wasting doing nothing while still accomplish more than I ever could back home. The only real difference for me back home and here is that back home I would be in much better shape and unfortunately, with the weather and food choices here, it’s been much harder to keep in shape. I can do it and it’ll be good for me but it’s hard to get started losing 15-20 pounds. It’s so crazy, I have like money laying around my desk, like 150 bucks that I don’t even need or know what to do with, I guess I’ll bring it home and exchange it or I’ll buy some stuff here for the journey home but it’s so weird that I had everything I wanted in my life and now it feels like everything I still have has little value. That’s a sign of a lower self-esteem. I’m not depressed, I’m just up and down and vacillate between angry and sad and trying to self-medicate and having trouble sleeping and only looking for tuesday morning when I can get far far away from here but then again, I can’t wait to get back to start my life over. I have the remnants of our relationship in this room and I desperately need it out of my face so I can begin healing. Seeing pictures of us from 4.5 years ago and 2 years ago and 1 year ago on her closet just make my heart crunch and I start to feel the thin veil of denial dissolving and I’m left with the love I felt for someone not being necessary anymore. It’s such a fucking shame, I really and truly loved Assiyeah Joers and it makes me tear up thinking about it but that’s the way shit happens. I kind of did the same thing to my last girlfriend in Pennsylvania to be with Assiyeah so I have a much better appreciation for what I did to her and I wrote her an email today apologizing for that.

I don’t what to delve down into the depths of taking anyone who likes me. I’m way too cool for that. I have a great life and a bright albeit completely uncertain future. I definitely need a holiday and I’ve been thinking more and more than next summer is going to be something huge. Maya suggested visiting Janet in Korea and seeing some of Asia and I could totally be down for that but also the idea of Central America really entices me. I am attracted to the possibility of improving my Spanish more and seeing more of Mexico but I’m open. I wanted to share all of this with Assiyeah but she doesn’t want it. How do you give something special to someone who doesn’t want it? You don’t.

My name is Jason and I’m 33 years old. I just had my heart broken by the woman of my dreams and I have to start my life over. I know that I can make my life even better than it was before, and more focused and attempt to put my life into the next bracket of cool people, by getting my photography out there and reworking some of my books and getting together another event, whether it be fashion or a battle of the bands but I want to do some more creative stuff and remember what it is I like about myself. I thought there was everything but for Assiyeah to fall out of love with me with me having very little idea (I had suspicions that things weren’t okay) says something about me. Was I blind to her failing affections or did I choose not to see it? I have no idea and I guess it doesn’t really matter. A student told me that in German you can say: Other mothers have beautiful daughters. And I hope they’re right. I’m just scared to have to get to that point again of becoming guardless in the relationship, where you are completely open to hurt but you know what, of course I’ll get there again. The only way to truly love someone is to be willing to get hurt. I have so much love left in my heart. I’m excited but scared about my future. I always had the thought that as long as I am with Assiyeah, my life was going to be great. I have to change that thinking now. My life is going to great anyway but fuck her man, I just wanted to make her happy. I guess I have to make myself happy now. But wait, I’ve been doing that the whole time! I will keep on keepin on and trust me, there is no need to worry about me. I know that what is happening to me is completely normal and unfortunately quite common. I’m just trying to work through the experience as best as possible so that I won’t be too damaged for the next person who wants to try and love me.

I’m sorry it didn’t work out, Assiyeah, I wish you all the best and I don’t know if we can be friends. If we ever are, it’s going to be on my terms and not yours because we spent a good portion of our relationship on your terms which was fine for me until you started kissing some other jackass without telling me. Cheers to you, I hope he appreciates all you’re going to bring to that relationship. Yes, that was sarcasm. It’s called a defense mechanism, concerned reader, fear not! I’m going jogging soon, then drinking a beer with some students and then dinner with some teachers from the university then I’m going to meet a friend for another drink and then we’ll see what happens.

We’ll see what happens. That line means a lot more to me now…